


to be found

by thisissirius



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Memory Alteration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 17:06:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7061818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/pseuds/thisissirius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Who are you? I’m sure I would have remembered meeting</i> you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	to be found

**Author's Note:**

> anon at tumblr requested _things you said that i wish you hadn't_
> 
> i don't even know where this came from. 
> 
> thank you to sam for reading this over and letting me see your reactions in real time :P

Catarina arrives at the Institute not a half hour after Alec sends her a fire message. She looks harried, rushed, though when her eyes meet Alec’s, they’re alert and full of emotions Alec can empathise with. “What happened?”

Alec opens his mouth, closes it again. The memories rush forth, unbidden, and he chokes on what he wants to say. He’s _better than this_ , but before he can make himself talk, Izzy presses her fingers into his elbow, the touch grounding. She gives him a knowing, sympathetic look that makes Alec want to throw up, and turns to Catarina.

“We need your help - _Magnus_ needs your help.”

“Your fire message wasn’t specific,” Catarina says, and there’s a reprimand in her tone, though it isn’t matched by the expression on her face. She looks soft, welcoming, and it just makes everything worse. Alec’s used to standing strong when everything seems hopeless, but this is different, is more visceral and painful.

Izzy nods, brushing her fingers along Alec’s forearm as she steps back, gesturing down the hall. “We’ll explain as we walk.”

All business, Catarina sweeps past them, skirt billowing in the hall. Izzy immediately follows, but it takes Alec a beat to get going, his movements sluggish, forcing himself to move.

“We were fighting Valentine but got stuck between dimensions.”

The physics behind it are confusing and Alec still doesn’t understand it. What he does understand, what he can’t forget, are the moments after, the heartbreak, the fear, the _loss_.

“All of you?” Catarina asks, her eyes darting back to look at Alec. Alec doesn’t know what she sees on his face, but she’s startled and sorrowful all at once. It makes his chest burn.

Izzy nods, guiding Catarina deeper into the Institute, towards the guest rooms, where Clary and Jace are no doubt trying to explain things. “Magnus was with us during the attack. When Valentine died, it sealed the dimensions and we were stuck.”

“Which dimension?”

There’s something knowing about Catarina’s bearing and Alec thinks she knows even before Izzy says, “Edom.”

Catarina stops so abruptly that Alec almost walks into the back of her. He sidesteps, turns his face away. His jaw feels tight, his teeth clenched together so hard that they ache with it. “Asmodeus?”

“He was there,” Alec says, to the wall. He stands ramrod straight, fists clenched by his sides. “He offered us a way out.”

“Alec,” Izzy says, light but cautious.

Alec ignores her, lets the rage and fear currently tightening his chest flow out. “Said he’d let us go, but he wanted something first.”

“That’s not unusual for any magical being,” Catarina says carefully. “Especially not a Prince of Hell.”

Alec doesn't even want to touch that, to acknowledge who Asmodeus really is; who _Magnus_ really is, though he cares, of course he does, it’s just too much. “Well, he wanted Magnus’ immortality.”

There’s a long, drawn silence. Nobody moves or says anything and the moments remind Alec of everything; of the look on Magnus’ face as he’d _agreed,_ of Jace and Clary, Izzy and Simon all standing in front of Magnus, like they could stop Asmodeus. Reminds Alec of his own fear and anger, threatening a Prince of Hell for the life of his boyfriend - the person he loves more than he ever thought possible, and now - now what does he have?

“That would kill him,” Catarina says eventually. “I assume you would have told me if that were the case?”

Alec laughs, hollow. “Once he realised how much pain he could pull from me because I - because Magnus and I are - were - because of Magnus and I, he changed his mind, changed what he wanted.”

Catarina touches his arm. Only years of training keep Alec from flinching or lashing out. He turns to meet her eyes, sees the shock in hers at the depth of pain and fear in his. “What did he demand, Alec?”

The words won’t come. Tears burn at the back of Alec’s eyes but he refuses to let them fall. Drawing on every last, slim thread of strength he has left, he forces himself to say, “He wanted to take _me_ away from Magnus. Not my physical self, but every memory and - everything that made us _us_.”

“Magnus doesn’t remember Alec at all,” Izzy continues, hand at the base of Alec’s spine. It’s where Magnus touches him, and Alec’s skin burns with the need for it to be Magnus and not Izzy. “He remembers the rest of us, knows who we are, but whenever he think of Alec there’s a blank space.”

Alec feels choked with it, the thought that Magnus doesn’t know him, doesn’t know what they’ve been through to get here. Alec wants desperately to tell him, but Magnus looks at him blankly, with an indifference that cuts deep. Alec’s never had doubts about how Magnus feels about him, but when that cold unfamiliar expression turns on him, Alec feels the loss so keenly he thinks it might cripple him.

Catarina lets out a soft sigh. “I am terribly sorry, Alec. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.”

“He said _yes_ ,” Alec says abruptly, the anger exploding out. “We could have found another way! I could have done something, _we_ could have done something, but he said yes and I watched as - that demon took every memory of us from him, I watched as Magnus lost parts of himself and he was in agony, but I couldn’t-”

Alec cuts off, turns his back on both Catarina and Izzy, tries to calm himself. Images of Magnus, face twisted in pain, his fingers squeezing Alec’s hand as Asmodeus tore memory after memory away from him. Having to endure Magnus pulling away, watching recognition fade from his eyes until Alec felt like a stranger.

“Why did you call me, Alec?”

“He needs someone familiar.” Alec can’t pull his gaze up from the floor.

He can see Catarina’s shoes out of the corner of his eye, feels the press of her fingers to his chin as she guides his head back up. He sees hope and not a little comfort in her face. “Asmodeus may be a powerful demon, Alec, a Prince of Hell, even, but he is greedy. In his greed, he forgets that there are things far more powerful than he.”

Alec thinks he’s too raw to feel hope, but something in his heart stirs at her words. “What?”

“I will not be trite and say love,” Catarina says, the corner of her mouth turning up slightly. “But perhaps that is what it is.”

 

 

 

Alec trails into the room after Catarina and Izzy, eyes tracking everything but the figure standing in the corner. He doesn’t see the rage on Magnus’ face, but feels it in the room. The familiarity of _them_ is almost too much now that Magnus doesn’t know - _can’t_ know what Alec feels for him.

“Catarina! I’m perfectly fine, I don’t know why you had to come all the way here.”

Magnus sounds - the same way he always does, and that’s worse. Alec almost wishes Asmodeus hadn’t changed his mind, and immediately feels guilty. He doesn’t wish Magnus dead, but he doesn’t want _this_ either, this future of having to endure Magnus not knowing who he is.

“Magnus,” Catarina chides, her tone reproachful. “You know I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t think there was a need for it.”

Silence meets her words, and Alec finally turns round, meeting Jace’s gaze. There’s sympathy there, but a support and pride that makes Alec’s chest tight for different reason.

Alec pinches the bridge of his nose.

 _Who are you? I’m sure I would have remembered meeting_ you _._

Pushing down nausea, Alec focuses back on the room. Catarina has magic in her palm, runs it over Magnus’ body while he stands, impatient and no doubt rolling his eyes. It’s all so _Magnus_ that Alec wants to leave, to run. He turns to do just that, but Izzy stops him, a hand on his chest.

“If he wants to leave, let him,” Magnus says, and Alec’s breath catches. “Goodness knows I don’t want to be here.”

“He has to be here,” Izzy says, tone hard. Alec could easily brush past her, but she fists a hand in his shirt. “ _He_ would want you to.”

Like Magnus is a different person just because he’s forgotten Alec. Alec growls low in his throat, ready to tell Izzy just that, when Catarina’s sharp voice cuts across the room.

“Do you know him, Magnus?”

“Yes,” Magnus says, and any flush of hope gives way when he continues. “We met after we were pulled from Edom. If I never have to go there again-”

“I know, Magnus.” Catarina sounds just as urgent, just as _sharp_. “Before Edom. Do you know who he is?”

“He’s Izzy’s brother.” Magnus says it in the tone of someone talking to a child.

Alec can’t meet Izzy’s gaze. He’s a shadowhunter, he’s been a warrior since he was old enough to start training, and he’s falling apart because somebody doesn’t remember him. “I can’t be here.”

Izzy softens a little.

“You can, and you will,” Catarina says. Alec turns to her, ready to refuse, to tell her nobody can order him around in his own Institute, but he catches Magnus looking at him. Magnus, who’s shown Alec so much more than he ever thought possible; Alec doesn’t think he ever would have come out without Magnus’ help. Knows that he’d still be pining silently for Jace. Perhaps he would never have confronted his parents, stood up for himself. He owes Magnus so much and now he can ever repay it, can never let Magnus know how he feels, what he’s been through - what _they’ve_ been through.

“I-” Alec starts, voice breaking. He blinks, eyes wet. “You knew me, before Edom.”

Magnus frowns. “I know, I just-”

“If we go to your apartment, my stuff will be everywhere.” Alec thinks of the loft, of his clothes half in Magnus’ closet. Of Chairman Meow waking Alec in the mornings by sleeping on his face. Of the small, minute details of two people learning to share space. “I’ve kissed you so many times I’ve lost count. I can’t imagine - I don’t want a world where you’re not _mine_. I love you and Asmodeus - your father - knew that.”

Magnus stares, disbelief on his face. “This is a joke, right?”

“No,” Alec says, finding some lost vestiges of strength. “I love you, still, even though Asmodeus took me from you.”

It shouldn’t be enough to explain, to make Magnus understand, but something clears in Magnus’ eyes. “Some things aren’t natural but I couldn’t understand why. They’ve been altered?”

“He said he wanted to make you hurt,” Jace continues, giving Alec a small smile. “Feeds on pain or whatever. This was his way of making sure Alec continues to feed his sick ego for however long.”

“Thankfully,” Catarina says, cutting in. “Memory is my area of expertise.”

Alec can’t tear his eyes away from Magnus. Now that he’s looking, he can’t make himself pull away. Everything is so familiar; the lock of hair that falls across Magnus’ face, died red for the battle, the curve of his cheekbones, the softness of his mouth. Alec aches to touch, to have.

“I can’t be here.” Alec’s hands are shaking and he knows if he stays here much longer, he’s going to break.

“Alec-” Magnus starts, but Alec turns on his heel and flees.

  


 

Alec presses his palms to his eyes, rests his elbows on his knees. He’s in his room, back to the wall. Though he doesn’t expect anyone to come for him, he’s facing the door; he wants them to be with Magnus, to help him. Perhaps they can fix this, maybe they can’t, but Magnus needs to be -

\- even now, Alec wants Magnus safe.

Choking back tears, Alec tips his head back.. He hasn’t cried yet, refuses to when Magnus hasn’t. It’s _Magnus_ who’s been magicked, who’s suffered. Alec hurts, of _course_ he does, but he’s not the one with absent memories.

There’s a thump on his door, but he ignores it.

Another thump and Alec grits his teeth. “Go away!”

The third thump is the door slamming open, and Alec knows the silhouette in the doorway even before Magnus crosses the room in five quick strides.

Alec barely has enough time to breathe out, “Magnus, I-” before Magnus hauls him up, fingers on his face. Thumbs rest against Alec’s cheekbones, yellow eyes hold his own and Alec can’t breathe, doesn’t know what’s happening.

“Alex _ander_.” Magnus looks horrified. “I’m so sorry.”

Something in Alec breaks; he lets out a sob, sags in Magnus’ hold.

Magnus wraps strong arms around his shoulders, pulls him in and kisses his temple. “You were so brave, my darling.”

Alec is shaking, he knows, can’t stop the tears betraying his heart. “I love you.”

“And I you.” Magnus kisses him them, through the tears and pain and heartache.

When they part, Alec refuses to let go of Magnus, can’t stop staring into eyes that _recognize_ him. “How?”

“Catarina is really quite clever,” Magnus says, shades of the Magnus that Alec remembers. “It was brilliant of you to call her over Tessa; she knows the mind much better than my father.”

Alec doesn’t want to think about him, about _that_. “You remember everything?”

“Some things I would rather forget,” Magnus admits. “But you, oh, I remember you, Alec.”

“I couldn’t-” Alec rests his forehead against Magnus’, closes his eyes. “I was afraid I would never - that we couldn’t-”

Magnus, who knows Alec better than Alec knows himself sometimes, brushes a finger against Alec’s lips in a move that’s so painfully familiar. “I’m here, Alexander. I promise, somehow, I will always be here.”

It’s not a promise he can keep, but in this moment it’s everything Alec needs. He leans in, kisses Magnus with everything he is, fingers nestled at the nape of Magnus’ neck. Magnus kisses back, every bit as furious and desperate as Alec.

They might not have had this, Alec thinks desperately. He clutches at Magnus, fingers knuckle-white and refuses to let go.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm screaming about malec on tumblr constantly. [join me](http://thisissirius.tumblr.com)?


End file.
